It has been a while between posts, there have been a multitude of reasons why this is the case. Work, mundane life chores, work, and lazing on the beach or by the resort pool, pandemics, anxiety attacks. Life really does move at a slower pace on the Islands, but that is not what this post is about. From the title it is pretty obvious what I am going to write about.
Respect.
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I can’t believe we have hit March already. Is it just me or is this year going exceptionally fast? One part of me is totally stoked that the year is flying by because it means I will be home soon for home leave and I will get to see my wonderful friends and family. On the other-hand it means time here in Samoa is running out, like the sands through the hour glass LOL (only people of a certain age will get that pop culture reference, it also shows my age) and I am not sure I am making the most of it here.
I'm sitting here at the dining room table, children deeply immersed in the Peter Rabbit movie and as the sun peaks through the clouds and the rain has finally stopped, I am cautiously optimistic that my washing may actually dry today. Although, as it has been sitting out there for a few days it's probably going to smell like moldy old socks. Oh living in the tropics it's not all white sunny beach days and cocktails under coconut palms (which I would not suggest because if one of those bad boys lands on your head god help you). There's the mould, which I have been finding on the leather couch and our leather shoes (the tropics is no friend to leather) and I know that I have mentioned this before but the gecko shit is really starting to piss me off now but whats more the geckos laughing at me as I clean it is making me paranoid. Today I am finding it hard to put into words what I am feeling, usually pontificating about life and loves come easily to me, but today seems unreasonably difficult for me. Might have something to do with the noise level in my house at the moment. Honestly the British accents in Peter Rabbit are bloody awful, I mean really it's not that hard come on! Oh and also I did some research, rabbits don't touch heads to apologise. But I am going off on a tangent. The last couple of days I have been thinking a lot about what 2019 is going to bring, the new challenges we are going to be facing and my changing relationship with my children, especially my eldest daughter. I'm definitely not one for New Year's resolutions because I do not have the fucking energy level OR will power to keep to any shit like that. It's true I'm lazy. I was given a gratitude journal 2 years ago by my mum and I am too lazy to even write what I am grateful for! Plus I don't think it is normal to write that you are grateful for alcohol (ha! just joking....). There is one thing that I really want to try to get better at and that is I want to stop being so hard on myself- for the mistakes that I have made, for the bad parenting decisions I have made, and for not knowing or understanding things right now. Because I am not perfect and I never will be and that's perfectly fine. This year is going to be very different for all of us. I have my work visa now so I will be working full time teaching and because of this the offspring will be starting at another new school. This change has brought many tears and tantrums because even though we may not have approved of the teaching practices at their old school and the amount of religious content, they made some very close and beautiful friends. I am also very anxious about my new role and all that will come with it. I know I am going to make mistakes, that some days the activities and lessons will just flop and some days are going to be shit, but the NEW ME is working really hard to counter these angst driven thoughts with positivism - it's really fucking exhausting, how do positive people do it? No really, if you can give me some advice please I am all ears because I am shattered and it's only day 9. It also doesn't help that I have what might be possibly diagnosed as OCD so shit like this really tests my ability to not want to jump in, tidy up and make it perfect. Oh and I forgot, I will also be turning 40 in 2019 (WTF) that can't be right? I see you 40 and I am going to smash you out of the park baby! Also, why do some expats act as though they have been here for years? - conversing with such confidence and authority that one would think they have lived in Samoa for a good 10 years when in reality they have been here 9 months! I still feel like I am fresh off the boat, trying to find my way around the markets, the best places to eat out, chemists, Dr's, learning the language, and understanding the nuances of the Samoan culture. When I was upacking our boxes I came across a little machinato (Italian expresso machine), a parting gift from a friend of mine back in Australia. As I pulled out that little, silver beauty; so simple in design yet so sophisticated – my heart lifted. After a full day unpacking crap that I didn’t need (like a million cups and mugs “just take them you never know you might need them” – yeah like never!) I held that beautifully designed gift in my hands and smiled.
I placed the machinato on the bench and left it there as a symbol of joy. That week, I took a trip to the supermarkets to do the shopping and there I stood in the coffee and tea aisle staring, looking, yearning to be able to make my own coffee. I picked up an expensive packed of ground coffee and through the packaging I could smell it; heavenly scented, sweet coffee. I don’t care how much that coffee cost me, when I got home I unpacked the shopping and made myself my first cup of real coffee and it was lovely. |
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