It has been a while between posts, there have been a multitude of reasons why this is the case. Work, mundane life chores, work, and lazing on the beach or by the resort pool, pandemics, anxiety attacks. Life really does move at a slower pace on the Islands, but that is not what this post is about. From the title it is pretty obvious what I am going to write about.
Respect.
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We’re into week 8 of the measles epidemic in Samoa and as I am writing this 48 people have died 1 adult, 47 children and over 3000 people reported infected. These figures are growing rapidly every day, and every day my Facebook feed is flooded with images of children in ICU, families desperately lining up to vaccinate their children, and photos of children who have lost their battle against the illness and parents sobbing over their small bodies. How did we fail our most vulnerable?
I FEEL SO GUILTY ALL THE TIME! Is that normal? Honestly it has nothing to do with being a full-time working mum because I can tell you, hand on my heart that as soon as I fell pregnant I also fell into that deep pit of mother's guilt. But now, now I have added another layer to my rainbow guilt cake, because all those other layers weren't yummy enough.
52 weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes
The 16th of April marks one year since we arrived in Samoa and what an intense one year it has been. There has been one hospital emergency visit, one dog bite, several doctor visits, lots of tears, screaming and bargaining, and one serious conversation about divorce leading to the children and I moving back to Australia. I am pretty sure that I have a hundred more grey hairs, a possible ulcer and my granuloma annulare flare up is a clear indication of my stress levels. While the washing machine whirs
and the needs get met. While the house is cleaned the floors are swept. As you call my name from afar Am I invisible to you? Do you see the work unpaid and unseen? The labour I bear, bricks piling up what is a fair share? Am I invisible to you? Does this work I do mean less than yours? Consoling their fears, holding tight to fight the tears Am I invisible to you? Some days I'm so tired I can't take another step. But I get back up, school lunches to prep. At 10pm I sit down to read, maybe stop maybe breathe. Am I invisible to you? It has been a week of mixed emotions. At the beginning of the week I was feeling pumped, albeit tired from this single working mum business but pumped none the less. I was working with the environmental club at school to participate with the Global Climate Strike and I have to say the energy generated by the children in the club was contagious. This student led environmental club took this opportunity to voice their opinions about how adult decisions are impacting on their future, their livelihoods and their families here in Samoa and it was amazing. We had the press there, it was live streamed on an online Samoan news site and was even contacted by a film maker in Quebec to feature footage of the protest in a movie he is making. Then, then a White supremacist terrorist walks into a Mosque in Christchurch and massacres 50 innocent people.
I can’t believe we have hit March already. Is it just me or is this year going exceptionally fast? One part of me is totally stoked that the year is flying by because it means I will be home soon for home leave and I will get to see my wonderful friends and family. On the other-hand it means time here in Samoa is running out, like the sands through the hour glass LOL (only people of a certain age will get that pop culture reference, it also shows my age) and I am not sure I am making the most of it here.
I believe the title says it all really. I have run out of coffee and that does not bode well... oh no no no, this is not a good situation for anybody. Every time I think ‘right let’s just pop over to the shops and get some coffee’ something comes up. Also, our internet has decided to stop working so I have gone cold turkey with two of my major addictions! Thank Christ I still have alcohol.
Let’s see, week three of the teaching/schooling year and week six of 2019 what has been happening – I got told I was showing too much cleavage. Oh my goodness who would have thought a plain white v-neck t-shirt could get you in to so much trouble? Brush it off girlfriend and put it behind you. I’m going to take the positive out of this and see this as a compliment of my beautiful bosom. The children at school have been intense to say the least. There has been a lot of separation anxiety and crying but thank God that has reduced remarkably and we are making headway with our integration of play based learning into the preschool. Although, today did not feel that great, just seemed as though everyone, even the teachers were on edge. Something about the day made everyone nervy and easily agitated, maybe it has something to do with the weather, it was very windy today. I don’t know it just didn’t feel right today. I’m feeling as though I am being torn in two different directions and I am not sure what to do about it. On one hand, we all know that our focus this term should be settling the children into a stable routine and creating a safe environment for learning where children feel as though they belong. Guiding children in their learning of social relationships and emotional well-being, but on the other hand we feel pressured to ‘teach’ the children their alphabet, hand writing, reading and numbers because they ‘have to be ready’ for school by the end of the year. These are competing ideas and the two ideas seem to be coming from external factors and not the educators in the room. We want to use play based learning to foster a disposition for learning, and through play-based activities the children will learn, but it is not in the traditional – top down approach that is used in Samoa. Maybe I am looking at this with the wrong lens, in fact I am pretty sure that I am. Maybe I need to ask, is play-based learning culturally appropriate within this context? Or how can I make play-based learning more culturally appropriate within this context? Indeed, something to mull over I think. The other issue I have been struggling with was and is probably best expressed in this comment by my youngest offspring “you’re no fun anymore Mummy, you never play with us or have fun with us anymore. You are always working or doing housework”. I just can’t seem to find a balance between teaching work, housework and my family, it is really bloody hard. We are not even at the end of February and I don’t seem to be able to get on top of everything. Surely something has to give right? First week of teaching is done and we are nearly half way through the second week and frankly I am exhausted! I wasn’t really sure what to expect from the new students and the school, but it feels somewhat chaotic and I am not sure I have found my feet yet. For starters, I don’t feel like I have nearly enough time to get all my work done – teaching, setting up provocations and invitations, observations, assessments and not to mention the constant cleaning and taking children to the toilet (which is taking up the most of my time at the moment). Yes I know, these are all important teaching moments and learning moments for me but I don’t feel calm at all and the noise level WTF. I also feel dumb as fuck... there I have said it. I am really doubting my teaching abilities on so many levels. I tried to explain to one of my colleagues the importance of observations and learning stories and how to write them and I just could not find the words, it was as if my brain decided to go on static for a while. I could tell she was thinking “what a douche bag, she is meant to be mentoring me?”
(Just a side note, as I am writing this my offspring are throwing Lego and yelling at each other about how much they hate each other and how they are annoying and don’t help anyone – I just do not have the energy to get up off my arse to intervene, I just don’t. I am done, doesn’t help a boy punched me in the boob today and thought it was funny). Where was I? Oh yeah, I feel fucking dumb. When I talk to the other teachers or parents about the work we are doing in the pre-school with play I just can’t seem to formulate a coherent sentence. I know it is in there somewhere, but I am failing to find it. I am not looking forward to meet the teacher night on Thursday. I have also got a UTI (AWESOME). I thought that I could just drink a fuck tonne of Ural to flush it out, but no that did not work so here I am on antibiotics because the Dr said “you don’t want kidney failure and end up in hospital here in Samoa ... trust me”. Ok give me the drugs. I can’t even remember the last time I had a UTI, I’m blaming stress. Which means I can’t have a nice glass of anything alcoholic at the end of a full-on day. Water it is then! And then yesterday morning I woke up with the biggest pimple on my chin, which my offspring thought would be great to point out to me all ... the ... fucking ... time because obviously I can’t see the monster that resides on my face at the moment. When I look in the mirror (which isn’t that often) all I can see is this other being living, taking up residence on my face. Taunting me, laughing at me making running commentaries about how I have failed. Maybe my zit would be better at life right now that me. Just saying. At least I have my favourite apron on, cooking dinner, writing blog posts and ignoring the war that rages over Lego WINNING! |
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