It has been a while between posts, there have been a multitude of reasons why this is the case. Work, mundane life chores, work, and lazing on the beach or by the resort pool, pandemics, anxiety attacks. Life really does move at a slower pace on the Islands, but that is not what this post is about. From the title it is pretty obvious what I am going to write about. Respect. Respect is a funny ol’ thing. We bandy this word about like everyone knows what it means, how it is meant to be displayed to one another and when to use it on our children, friends and colleagues. We have no idea when it comes to the reality of displaying it in an authentic and deep manner. As I mention above we tend to use the word respect ‘on’ someone else as though it is external to ourselves because if I am pointing out to you that you show little to no respect then I therefore must be the authority of respectful behaviour. This show of power, which is predominantly used on children might I add (because adults are so respectful to children and each other) is wielded with great gusto in schools. Teachers love to use the word respect, oh we just love to shove that word right up in their cherub little faces as we then start to lecture children about how the world works, what it looks like, feels like and sounds like to show respect, but how much respect are we showing the children and how are we modelling respectful behaviour between ourselves as adults?
Look don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware that I am a work in progress. I am more often than not lecturing my children to clean their rooms or pull their weight around this house because the magic fairy doesn’t want to pick up after them all the time. I know that I mutter disrespectful thoughts under my breath when my husband is complaining about something that I or the children have or haven’t done. So yes I am fully aware that I am not perfect and don’t show respect all the time when I know that I should be. This story isn’t about that, it is about the time I finally, after all this time showed self-respect. There is a term in Samoa that sits at the heart of Fa’a Samoa (Samoan Way) and that word is Fa’aaloalo. The literal translation of fa’aaloalo is respect, however it is a deeper concept than our western understanding of respect. It governs every aspect of Samoan life, it starts with the family and spreads from there with a profoundness that permeates all your interactions with others and your environment within your culture. How you conduct yourself in your daily life is entrenched in the idea of fa’aaloalo. This year the school introduced the Positive Behaviour for Learning (PB4L) programme as a way to develop behavioural management skills that are not punitive, but which are based on using these moments as teaching opportunities to support positive behaviour and create a safe and secure environment for everyone. It was decided to use fa’aaloalo as a way to foster respectful behaviour within the school environment – showing respect to each other, to your environment and to yourself, connecting a deeply held Samoan cultural practice within a western schooling system. This is where the showing respect to yourself comes in. I’ve never had much belief in myself, oh hush now it’s true. I might come across as being confident and bubbly on the outside, but on the inside, I am an anxiety riddled, self-doubting person and very rarely do I challenge authority overtly. This is probably why some people feel as though they have the right to walk all over me but not this time. For me respect is mutual, you show me respect, I show you respect. I don’t care if you are older than me, in a higher position than me, higher educated than me – we respect each other equally as human decency. In this circumstance, showing respect for myself took the form of knowing my worth in both the literal sense of say just for example equal pay and for my wellbeing within the workplace. Let me just say that I am the type of person that gives 110% of myself - work, family and friendships I am all in – which is often to my detriment because I have little left in the tank for myself, but I work bloody hard. That does not mean that I want or should be taken advantage of and this is where self-respect comes into action. In the past I probably would have just accepted the situation and continued to let myself be ‘used’ for want of a better word for the sake of the children and experience. But I decided NO, I’ve read and watched so many talks about how women need to demand what we deserve, to ‘lean in’ so to speak and negotiate better pay and promotions because according to research men are four times as likely to ask for a raise/promotion and when we do finally find the courage to participate in that awkward negotiation conversation we typically request 30% less than men do. There is always a risk when you enter into these types of discussions, especially when you are not in a position of power, but in actual fact the outcome was probably for the best. It gave me the push to look at myself and finally see my true worth – that I am bloody well good at what I do and I deserve more.
13 Comments
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